Christmas Presents
|
Here are ten
useful phrases for responding to Christmas presents you would rather
not have received:
1. Thanks a
lot!
2. My word! What a gift.
3. Well, well, well ...
4. If I hadn't put on so much weight recently it would have fitted
me perfectly.
5. Gosh, I hope I never lose this. We're always losing things
around here.
6. It's great; but I'm worried about the envy it may create.
7. Just my luck to get this on the very Christmas I promised to give
all my gifts to charity.
8. Unfortunately, I am about to enter MI5's Witness Protection
programme.
9. Frankly, I don't deserve this.
10. Really, you shouldn't have.
|
|
The Weather Man
|
A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was
a famous weather man named Rudolf.
He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian
weather conditions. His people loved him and
respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at
predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction
on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It
would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the
people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.
After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door
and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most
ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a
terrible mistake. There
wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of
fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever
had and it was quite obvious to everyone it simply wasn't going to rain.
He told her she was to be quiet and listen to
him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all
of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking
about. She argued that although he came from a proud
heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad
at each other.
During the night, sure enough one of the worst
rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That
morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and
saw all the water that had fallen that night.
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you
it was going to rain."
His wife admitted: "Once again your
prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate,
Rudolf?"
To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the
Red knows rain dear!"
(Oh dear! Sorry about that. Al')
|
|
|
A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet
store looking for an unusual gift for his wife. The store manager tells
him he has just what he's looking for! A beautiful parrot named Chet
that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colorful but quiet bird. The man agrees
that Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much of a
singer. The manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and
pulls out a cigarette lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and
holds it under Chet's left foot. Immediately Chet starts singing;
"Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches
as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now
starts to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband
says Chet is perfect and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this
wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet to her and starts to
explain the parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird
sings "Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the
right foot and Chet lets loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The
wife is absolutely amazed, and with a mischievous grin asks her husband
what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's legs instead. With
his curiosity aroused, the husband relocates the lighter as his wife
suggested and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an Open
Fire!
(Ouch!)
|
|
Christmas Angel
One Christmas, a long time ago,
Santa Claus was getting ready for his annual trip; but there were
problems ...... everywhere.
Four of his elves were away sick and the trainee elves did not
produce the toys as fast as the regular ones. So, Santa was
beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then, Mrs. Claus popped in to tell
Santa that her mother was coming to stay for Christmas; which
stressed him even more.
After a while, he went to harness
the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth
and two had jumped the fence and run away, heaven knows where to.
Then, when he began to load the
sleigh one of the boards broke and several large toy-bags fell to
the ground, scattering their contents all over the place.
Needless to say, Santa was not in the best of moods.
Suddenly, the doorbell rang and he went to the door expecting
another problem. But when he opened it, there was a little angel
with a great big Christmas tree that she had brought especially to
cheer him up.
The angel greeted him very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa
Claus. Isn't it just a wonderful day? I have a beautiful tree for
you. See, isn't it just the loveliest Christmas tree you've ever
seen? Where would you like me to put it?"
Thus began the tradition of the
little angel on top of the Christmas tree.
|
Billy wanted to purchase a Christmas
gift for his new sweetheart. They had not been going out together for
very long. So, after careful consideration, he decided that a pair of
gloves would most appropriate; romantic but not too personal.
He then engaged the help of his
sweetheart's younger sister to assist him in choosing an appropriate
item; and off they went shopping together. Billy eventually bought a
pair of very stylish winter gloves in pale pink and the sister took
the opportunity of buying herself a pair of panties from the same
store. However, during the wrapping process, the shop assistant mixed
up the two items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got
the panties.
Without thinking to check the
contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his
sweetheart with the following note :
'I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your
sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons down the side,
but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a
delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she
had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled.
I asked her to try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish
I could be there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before
putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from
wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming
year!
All my love.
Billy'
|
|
Christmas Prayers
A few
days before Christmas, two young brothers were spending the
night at their grandparent's house. When it was time to go to
bed, and anxious to do the right thing, they both knelt down to
say their prayers.
Suddenly, the younger one began to do so in a very loud voice.
"Dear Lord, please ask Santa Claus to bring me a
play-station, a mountain-bike and a telescope."
His older brother leaned over and nudged his brother and said,
"Why are you shouting your prayers? God isn't deaf."
"I know" he replied, "But Grandma is!"
|
Santa's Gender
|
Christmas has to be a warm, well organised, caring, considerate, social occasion. So, it's unlikely that
a man could take responsibility for making it happen.
For starters, the vast majority of men
don't even think about Christmas until Christmas Eve. And when they do
eventually rush into the high street at the latest possible moment, they
seem genuinely surprised to discover that the only options remaining on
the shelves are cheap perfume and lingerie suitable for high class
tarts.
Let's face it, Santa Claus must be a
woman. If Santa was a
man, all there would be under the Christmas tree are high tech' toys
.... still in the original wrappings, of course.
Another flaw in the 'he-Santa'
argument is his apparent ability to arrive promptly every Christmas Eve.
If Santa was a man, he could be relied upon to have transportation
problems, get lost in all the snow and clouds and flatly refuse to ask
anyone for directions.
There are lots of other reasons why
Santa can't be a man:
Men have no idea about packing bags.
Men would rather be dead than wear red
velvet.
Men have no interest in stockings,
unless they are being worn by an attractive female.
But, the real show-stopper is, most
men simply can't do commitment.
|
|
|
Shopping For A Turkey
It was Christmas Eve in a
supermarket and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few
remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.
In desperation she called over a
shop assistant and said "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any
bigger?"
"No" he replied,
"They're all dead".
|
Another
Day At The Office
|
Question:
Why is Christmas just like another day at the office? Answer:
You end up doing all the work and the fat guy in the suit gets all the
credit. |
|
|
The
Three Stages Of Life
Stage One: You believe in Father Christmas.
Stage Two: You don't believe in Father
Christmas.
Stage Three: You are Father Christmas.
|
|
The
Last Reindeer
| A
reindeer walked into a pub, strolled up to the bar and ordered a
pint of lager.
Completely
unphased, the barman poured out the lager and passed it to the
reindeer, who handed over a ten pound note.
As he
handed over the change of a few coins, the barman said "I
have to say, you're first reindeer I've seen in here."
The
reindeer studied the change very carefully and said. "Tell
you what sunshine, as these prices I'm also the last reindeer
you're going to see in here." |
|
